Detroit Television reports that police have surrounded Ted Nugent’s Detroit home and attempting to talk him out. Nugent’s girlfriend called 911 when the distraught one-time rock star barricaded himself in the couples bathroom with a hunting bow and threatened to kill himself.
Apparently, the self-avowed racist and GOP poster boy was having yet another paternity test, (5 out of 8 of his known children were born out of wedlock) when further genetic tests revealed that he was 30% descended from sub-Saharan Africa.
Nugent is well known for his hatred of black people, having most recently called President Obama a “sub-human mongrel”, so it didn’t come as much of surprise when Nugent had such a harsh reaction.
At this time, local police are monitoring the situation but are not ready to intervene. Many of the officers at the scene are both African American and U.S. veterans and although they would not speak on the record regarding the standoff, many seemed upset by Nugent’s hypocrisy regarding serving his country.
Nugent has spoken out on several occasions about how he “fooled those idiots” and dodged the draft by not bathing and defecating and urinating in his clothes for a week prior to going before the draft board. Now he wears a confederate flag shirt and calls himself a patriot while playing Republican fundraisers.
Police seem unworried about the weapon as they spoke with Lyle Cabot, a man who runs many of Nugent’s canned hunt farms. Canned hunts are farms that sedate and domesticate wild animals, keep them penned in an enclosed area and then for a price allow hunters to come in and kill them. According to Cabot, “Nugent can’t hit anything with that hunting bow unless it’s practically unconscious.”
Police have been trying to locate someone who cares about Nugent to try to talk him out. However, after several hours they have been unable to find anyone.
NOTE: THIS IS A SATIRICAL WORK OF FICTION. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS STRICTLY COINCIDENTAL.
[ satire by Chris Huler ]