The Rocky Horror Picture Show celebrates it’s 40th Anniversary this month. If it were up to us the movie would be remade immediately. (Hey Warner Bros. This would be perfect for you.) We’ve already done the casting and scouted out a filming location!
We picked out each cast member based on both acting and music ability. Also we considered the way they look, age appropriateness, and probability of a good performance. Just for fun, we are going by order of appearance.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
Do you agree or disagree with our picks? Please SAY SO in the comments section at the bottom of this page.
The Lips (Trixie) – Rihana
Rihana has beautiful lips and we are fairly certain she is totally natural in her beauty. (You never know these days).
She has a great singing voice and will bring gravitas to the role. She will also look cute and sexy in a Cigarette Girl uniform.
Shirley Mason from the band Garbage would also be a great choice but she is getting older.
The Criminologist – Kelsey Grammer
Seriously. This guy would be perfect. Not only does he have the ability to play pompous and over educated, he’s got the voice for narration. Kelsey also has a fine singing voice.
He has the look and would be perfect for this role. We can absolutely imagine him directing the audience on the finer points of the Time Warp dance.
Also, this man has no fucking neck.
Brad Majors – Jim Parsons
Jim does a fabulous job playing a socially awkward nerd. Brad Majors is best played with a geek angle. Also Jim has the stiff body language that serves the character.
The role requires the actor to fill out a pair of white undies nicely. Parsons seems well equipped in that department as well. We imagine he will have no issues filming the man-on-man scene with Frank N Furter.
Also Jim apparently can carry a tune well enough to do his own singing. Based on his performance on SNL, we think he can shake it.
Janet Weiss – Taylor Swift
It’s true that BangWave listeners are not big fans of her music. Just hear us out. Keep reading!
From the image on the right you can see that she does woman-nerd very well. She also has a Twiggy sort of sex appeal. Other than the time she sang on the Grammys with Stevie Nicks, She can hold a tune. She was very funny on SNL as well.
We think Susan Sarandon would approve.
Riff Raff – Rob Zombie
What a Hootenanny that would be! His voice is in the right range. Imagine him singing Riff Raff’s parts in “The Time Warp”.
He is of course very good at appearing creepy. He’s already got the long blond hair. Zombie is a big fan of Halloween and Costume Play.
Zombie should also play the role of music director for this production.
Magenta – Bette Midler
We’ve taken the liberty of photoshoping (badly) Magenta style makeup. Magenta should really have curley hair, but we’re sure Bette would have no problem dressing up for the role. She’s got the facial expressions to make this character really pop.
She is no stranger to campy stage shows either. And the lady can sing!
Columbia – Miley Cyrus
She is a great choice for this role because she is young, bohemian and likes to let her parts hang out. Remember, Columbia actually shows nipple in the original movie.
Miley would love to wear the outfits too. The only problem is that Columbia has a higher singing voice than Miley. Her voice could then be pitched up in post-production adding a comic element.
Dr Frank N. Furter – Adam Lambert
Adam Lambert is prefect for the role of Frank. He has a sexy swagger and balls to back it up. He famously kissed a man on live TV.
He has the vocal chops for sure. Adam also has a bit of dark side which is required for this role.
We also considered Marilyn Manson. He would be a great choice as well. His facial expressions are the best.
Rocky Horror – Nick Jonas
This guy is sexy. Women and Gay Men are currently going ga-ga for the guy. These days we no longer feel like a pedophile for checking out his hot bod.
The most important aspect of this character is the body. The role would be well suited for a 20 something heartthrob with above average musculature. If Calvin Klein can put him in an ad, we can put him in golden underpants.
Obviously the guy can sing and that helps. Who knows if he can act at all. This role does not call for a lot of actual acting. It’s mostly a Stand and Model role. The thought of this guy made up for the Floor Show scene is very exciting!
Eddie – Jack Black
This one should be obvious. The look is there. A gruffy guy in leather that has half of a brain but still plays saxaphone. Epic. He’s got the vocal chops too. Just think of it. “Hot Patootee, Bless My Soul” is the one song with Eddie singing and it seems like a perfect match for Black.
His capacity for madcap is way up there. In the movie there is a chase scene with Eddie on motorcycle. Jack can really make a chase scene work!
Dr. Everett V. Scott – Till Lindemann
Yup. It’s the singer from Rammstein, that weird industrial/metal band from Germany. We love them but lets stay on topic.
We thought it would be good for the move if Dr Scott were played by an actual German. Nevermind that Scott is not a German surname. In the movie the character has a German accent. At the time a German accent implied scientist.
Lindemann seems to be a good sport with a sense of humor. You don’t hear that about a lot of celebrities from Deutschland.
Transylvanians – Caitlyn Jenner, Ru Paul, Beth Ditto, Korean Rapper PSY, Margaret Cho
These are a few folks that we thought would be good as Transylvanians.
Director – Tim Burton
Of course it’s Tim Burton! unless he was dead there is no one else on the planet that is better suited for this. He has all the right talents for this production.
He’s good with props. He’s great with lighting and campy gags. We think he would also be good for introducing strange erotic elements to the story.
Filming Location – Meadowbrook Hall
Meadowbrook Hall is located about 50 miles north of Detroit Michigan. Detroit is the new Hollywood you know! This American estate is perfect for the movie because it contains all kinds of back drops inside and out. The styles of architecture vary across from one section of the building to the next. Also the building has those creepy chimneys all over the place.
[ article by Alex Velocity ]